Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
