How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
