You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
