Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
