happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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