We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Randomize
