You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
This is classic penis vs brain.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
