She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
