I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
