Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
