Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
