I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize
