Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
