i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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