If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
