got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
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