whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
