Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
