i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
