i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
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