I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Just high enough for therapy.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I just forgot I was standing up.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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