I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Randomize
