then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
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