I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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