Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
