I hate all girls vehemently.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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