Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I just had sex on a roof
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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