this just has baby written all over it
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
