Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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