i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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