he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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