I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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