I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
