i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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