so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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