that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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