Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
