I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize