I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
