cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
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