My room smells like vodka and shame
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
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You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
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I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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