I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
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