Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
We're too hungover to prance.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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