I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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