Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Randomize
