It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Randomize
