please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
