can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Randomize
