In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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