i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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