I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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