If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
