Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
