turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Randomize
