I met the friendliest cop last night
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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