we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize