Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
